Here are some of the best from the late Joan Rivers:
I wish I had a twin so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, "The man goes on top and the woman underneath." For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
I was so flat, I used to put Xs on my chest and write, "You are here." I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.
Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.
I saw my first porno film recently. It was a Jewish porno film — one minute of sex and nine minutes of guilt.
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
California is druggy, druggy, druggy. If it is white and it is on the table, they are gonna sniff it. I have a friend who O.D.ed in the beauty shop on dandruff.
The whole Michael Jackson thing was my fault. I told him to date only 28-year-olds. Who knew he would find 20 of them?
Not all plastic surgeons are good. My cousin went to one and told him she wanted to turn back the hands of time. Now she has a face that could stop a clock.
My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
The women in California, they get scared. A guy flashes you, they go to the police, "He's flashing! He's flashing!" In New York, a guy flashes you, you took your embroidery hoop and played ring toss.
I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again.
I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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