How To Tell If Someone's A Liberal

It would seem quite clear -- either someone is a liberal or isn't, right?
In these polarized times, there can't be that many people on the sidelines. Correct?
And yet, sometimes you may not be sure if someone's a lefty.
In fact, many people who say they are "independent" or  "moderate" actually harbor liberal views and even some people who think of themselves as "conservative" view themselves that way simply because they may prefer traditional (e.g. preppy) style clothing or some-such.  So, you may wonder: "Is he (or she) really a liberal?" Or you might even have similar doubts about yourself.
Well, wonder no more.
Here's how to tell if you (or someone you know) may be a liberal:

If you favor added funds for public education and oppose school choice but actually send your own kids to private school, then you may be a liberal.

If you embrace class warfare and badmouth Wall Street "fat cats" while secretly checking the growth of your investment portfolio daily, then you may be a liberal.

If you're all for windmill-produced energy but don't want those monstrosities anywhere near your house, you may be a liberal.

If you say you're a women's libber but you still stand by Hillary Clinton for standing by her man, you may be a liberal.

If you still believe in the labor movement but haven't bought or leased an American-made car in decades, then you may be a liberal.

If you think Sarah Palin's a dingbat but excuse Nancy Pelosi even when she says "we have to pass the bill in order to find out what's in it," then you may be a liberal.

If you hate Rush Limbaugh even though you've hardly ever actually listened to his program, you may be a liberal.

If you preach tolerance and understanding but are among the first to dismiss the views of anyone who watches Fox News, you may be a liberal.

If you say you love babies but still voted for a candidate who favors partial birth abortion, you may be a liberal.

If you think it's OK to overlook Eliot Spizer's and Anthony Weiner's indiscretions and infidelities but you absolutely refuse to forgive Mark Sanford or Newt Gingrich, you may be a liberal.

If you faithfully read the New York Times but never read the Wall Street Journal, you may be a liberal.

If you favor keeping the drinking age at 21 but think its OK for fifteen-year-olds to buy the morning after pill over the counter without parental permission, then you may be a liberal.

If you say that you really like Chris Christie and agree with a lot of his views even though you'd probably never actually vote for him if he ever ran for president, you may be a liberal.

If you say you support government funding of the arts but do not regularly go to museums or attend live theater, you may be a liberal.

If you call yourself "spiritual" but you rarely go to church, synagogue or other religious services, you may be a liberal.

If you like Obamacare but are inquiring as to whether or not your doctor will be providing concierge services, then you may be a liberal.

If you're all for clean energy but you think solar panels look tacky and/or you wouldn't dare part with your gas-guzzling Mercedes, you may be a liberal.

If you tend to agree with Barack and Oprah on race relations but you still live in an all-white neighborhood, you may be a liberal.

If you hate corporate bigwigs but were relieved when Jeff Bezos (net worth $25.2 billion) bought the Washington Post, you may be a liberal.

If you're all for the working man but wouldn't be caught dead having a shot and a beer with him, you may be a liberal.

If you dislike aristocracies but you love Downton Abbey, you may be a liberal.

If you hate Walmart but you rush to buy the latest Apple products made in sweatshops in China, you may be a liberal.

If you believe in global warming and don't want to be disturbed by the fact that we're now having one of the coolest summers on record, you may be a liberal.

We could go on.
But we think that by now you probably get the idea. Yes?