What We Hope They'll Find Under The Tree

For Whoopi Goldberg and The View:  A cancellation notice from ABC.

For Joe Biden: A lifetime supply of Depends.

For Elon Musk: MSNBC and/or CNN.

For Jill Biden: A copy of The Caregiver's Guidebook.

For Pete Hegseth: The US Department of Defense.

For John Fetterman: A fitting at Moroni Custom Clothing for a tailored suit, tie, etc. and sartorial lessons from Jay Wright. 

For all The Kelces: One year confinement to a cloistered monastery.

For Alejandro Mayorkas: Deportation to Cuba.

For Tucker Carlson: Fox News.

For Nancy Pelosi: An introductory seminar on Reverse Plastic Surgery.

For NJ Governor Phil Murphy: A gift certificate to get his teeth fixed.

For Professor Allan Lichtman: A permanent sabbatical.

For all Philadelphia sports fans: A supply of valium.

For Pennsylvania Governor Josh Shapiro: A gift certificate to Chamaripa Shows.

For Governor Ron DeSantis: Designation as a Cavaliere of the Italian Republic and the deed to Phil Murphy's Italian villa.

For Frank Lutz and Nate Silver: Each other.

For Martha Stewart: A complete pardon.

For the New Jersey Republican Party: Scott Presler. 

For Philadelphia Mayor Cherelle Parker: Copies of Buzz Bissinger's A Prayer For The City and Ed Rendell's A Nation of Wusses. 

For Jimmy Fallon, Stephen Colbert and Jimmy Kimmel: Johnny Carson's complete video archives.

For Dan Bongino: The US Secret Service.

For Lee Grenwood, Kelsey Grammer, Jon Voight and Sylvester Stallone: Kennedy Center Honors.

For Taylor Swift: Kid Rock.

For President Donald J. Trump: Our undying gratitude.

Merry Chrtsimas, everybody!