Of course Kim would land with an enormous thud, her ample booty nonetheless cushioning her. Then mama Kris would follow as her countless peels and lifts would defy gravity, floating upward into the ionosphere. And sisters Kourtney and Khloe could not be far behind, along with half sisters Kendell and Kylie k-k-k-k-keeping up with the welcome shower of K's.
And thankfully, in their falling, the Kardashians would simply go away, rotting into some great stale and stinky repository of the worst of our popular culture. What a relief that would be.
But it wouldn't be enough. Not nearly enough.
Because I'm not just talking about the Kardashians and their assorted parasites.
No, I want others to disappear as well. Some of them have been around a long time, some not so long. Some are clearly past the pinnacle of whatever degree of achievement they were ever going to have, others are newer to the race for fame and then irrelevance. But they all have one thing in common: Though talented to one degree or another, after awhile (sometimes a very short while) they wear on you. And, in my case when this happens, they turn me off in a very big way.
You know the public personages I'm talking about. You've seen and heard them far too much already.
I'm talking about people like Sarah Palin and Rick Santorum.
Yes, each of them used to be somebody once upon a time. And to their credit both got themselves elected to office somewhere along the way. But both also got themselves rejected and that just doesn't seem to have sunk in. They're still prattling away like a couple of big shots. But they simply aren't worth listening to anymore.
Someone needs to tell them September has come and gone and the heady days of November triumphs have long since passed as well. Time to drift away.
Which reminds me of Rosie O'Donnell. She's drifted away more than once but she keeps coming back. Just when you think she's good and angry enough never to come into sight again, there she is. She's always somewhat pleasant when she returns but before long something sets her off and it's time to call in an exorcist. Now she's vainly trying to revive The View, a show she herself almost once destroyed. Please, Rosie don't put us through this again. Just go away!
And what about Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga? Quite a pair, aren't they? Yeah, I know they've got a best-selling album. But how many duets can Tony squeeze into a later lifetime and how many reincarnations can Gaga concoct? Now, even La Streisand is singing in tandem and Barry Manilow is crooning exclusively with dead people and selling the stuff on QVC where his multiple facelifts can now he viewed in high definition.
This Halloween all of it seems like a very creepy horror show!
I did say "horror show," didn't I? Three words: Debbie. Wasserman. Schultz. If this woman doesn't epitomize the scorched earth nature of present-day politics, I don't know who does. When she opens her mouth the smell of napalm in the morning comes to mind. No, wait. I didn't mean to insult a great film and a great actor.
Anyway, what's truly shocking is that the Democrat Party retains Wasserman-Schultz not just as its spokesperson but as its Chair.
And for pure shock value, how about Lena Dunham? She came, she saw, she vulgarized. And she did it all so well that now she's everywhere. Yes, I tuned into Girls once and in very short order Lena was prancing around naked. Only I thought it was the newly gender-blended Bruce Jenner. But then I realized Bruce has prettier legs and a fetching pony tail.
But let's end with Uncle Joe and Grandma Hillary. When they aren't calling attention to themselves they're checking to see that their dentures and spans are snuggly positioned. And there's no telling what either one of them might say at one time or another. But that's no "big f---ing deal" because, after all "what difference does it make?" Still, if you're thinking you might want these two at Thanksgiving dinner this year I need to remind you that one big, 'ole juicy turkey will satisfy everyone. You don't need three of 'em.
So, hurry autumn. Be on your way and take these people with you. Let them be engulfed by the cascading leaves so they will be out of our faces.
And give us a winter of peace and solitude.
Then in the spring, maybe - just maybe - we'll be ready to face a new batch of personalities, welcoming them just long enough to earn our disdain. Boooooo!